put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
