So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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