The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
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