i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
