My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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