Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
