my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
