Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
