Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
