i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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