no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
