One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
