I think I died a long time ago.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
