An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
They have beer where we have blood.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
