My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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