So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
