She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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