highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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