i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
