Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
