I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
