I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
