i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
it's not cheating when I paid for it
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
