Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
