I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
