Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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