You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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