Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
