Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
