i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Randomize
