I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
