hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
People with herpes should wear stickers.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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