Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
