so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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