yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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