she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
