I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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