Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
