She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
