Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
