Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
