I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
