well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
