my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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