Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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