Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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