Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
