Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
