I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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