I cannot find my penis.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
