Princesses don't give blow jobs
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
